why kids whine, and how to help them find their voice

Children grizzling, whining, moaning, and droning when making requests or comments is nothing new. However, it can be frustrating and annoying for parents – especially when it goes on and on.

Whining is a drawn-out, complaining, relentless way of talking in an irritating tone of voice. Once your child is old enough to talk, using a whining tone can easily become habitual – especially if you (without meaning to) reward the behaviour by giving them what they want. When children whine, they need your help to learn more appropriate ways of communicating.

Why do children whine?

Sometimes grizzling is minor, and the cause is unclear. Whining for no obvious reason is best ignored – it’s not really directed at you, and giving attention at this point usually won’t help.

But there are a few common reasons why children slip into that “inane voice”:

1. They want your attention They may have been trying for a while and, having failed to get it, resort to whining.

2. They don’t want to do something Whining can be a tactic to make you “renege” so they can avoid compliance.

3. They think it works If your child has ever gotten what they wanted by whining, they’re smart enough to try it again. This is why it’s so important not to give in. Giving in only reinforces the behaviour, making it more likely to continue.

   
   

What to do about whining

Tell your child what to do

When your child speaks in a whining voice, stop what you’re doing, come close, get down to their level, and encourage them to speak in their normal voice:

“Sally, please ask me using your normal voice.”“Sally, please ask nicely if you can watch television.”

Try to keep things positive by telling them what you do want, rather than what you don’t. For example:

• Less effective: “Sally, don’t whine when you ask to watch television.”

• More effective: “Sally, use your nice voice when you ask to watch television.”

Model what you want

Show your child exactly what to say, using words and tone they can copy:

“Sally, if you’d like to watch TV, say: ‘Mummy, can I watch TV please?’”

You’re not disciplining here – you’re teaching a communication skill by calmly modelling the expectation.

Praise the positive

When your child does ask nicely – whether prompted or on their own – acknowledge it:

“That was nice asking. Well done.”

The praise doesn’t need to be over the top. A simple acknowledgment reinforces the behaviour you want to see more of.

If whining continues..

If they don’t ask nicely after you’ve modelled it, repeat it once more only as a reminder. Don’t fall into the trap of repeating yourself endlessly while your child ignores you.

If the whining still continues, use a logical consequence:

• “Sally, you haven’t asked nicely. The TV won’t be turned on. When you’re ready to ask nicely, you can try again.”

• Or: “The TV won’t be turned on for 10 minutes. When the timer’s finished, you can ask nicely again.”

Sand timers are especially helpful here – your child can see time passing, which also provides a calming distraction.

Be consistent

When your child finally uses a pleasant, normal voice, respond – but remember, you don’t always have to say “yes.” Sometimes the answer is still “no”:

“That was nice asking, Sally, but it’s dinner time now.”

This might lead to more whining, but stay calm and consistent. Don’t give in. If you cave at this point, you’ll teach your child that persistence (and volume!) eventually pays off. As soon as they quieten down, be quick to notice and praise the effort:

“Thanks, Sally, for talking nicely. That’s great.”

When whining escalates

If whining turns into aggression (hitting, kicking, tantrums), ignoring may no longer be appropriate. At this point, you’re dealing with noncompliance rather than just whining, and other strategies will be needed. But the principle still stands: don’t let whining get results.

The bigger picture

With your support and consistent modelling, your child will learn how to ask politely and communicate respectfully.

Learning to talk to others kindly is just one of many life skills your child is picking up – alongside sharing toys, zipping jackets, and saying sorry. Your home is their practice ground: a safe space, filled with love, where mistakes are okay and where learning happens best.

And as always, the most important factor is your relationship with your child. When it’s grounded in trust, respect, and connection, your guidance will help them grow into confident, resourceful, and respectful communicators.